“Our life here on Earth is a vapor in the wind of eternity,” spoke the minister at the funeral I attended yesterday. I sat for the next hour or so listening to stories told about a wonderful man who made it to his 90s. Though those 90 years were but a speck in the eyes of eternity, the legacy he left behind will live on for a long time. Friends and family spoke about how consistent and caring he was, how even when things were tough he was always sure to remind others, “But life is good.” This life is so short in the grand scheme of time, but John impacted the world with the little time he had here in big ways.
Judge me all you want but the lyrics from “If Today Was Your Last Day,” by Nickelback have not stopped running through my head. Say what you want about that band, I like them, and after sitting through a funeral with some of my family yesterday, I cannot stop thinking about how finite our time in this life is. Cliches become cliches for a reason. It sounds corny because it’s said so often, but it’s said so often because it’s true.
You never know when your last day on Earth will be.
My heart breaks for the future that my dad never had. He died with so much of his future still ahead of him. What else would he have been able to accomplish with his life if he had 20 more years? 30? even 50? My best friend from middle school had his life taken away in a terrible accident before we were even legal adults. He was so kind and lovable, and I can only imagine that the world would have benefited from more of his smile. If he and my dad had known that their last day would be their last, would they have lived differently? The impact they left on my heart in their short time here is massive, but what if they had a little more time? How would the world be different?
If I knew my life would be over tomorrow, would I be living differently? I can’t stop thinking about that.
There is so much more I want to do. There is so much more I want to see. There is so much more I want to accomplish. There are so many things I have yet to experience.
Now, I know getting stuck there isn't healthy. If I just sat in the sorrow of not being where I want to or “should be” in life, I wouldn’t get anywhere. Just sitting and being sad doesn’t change any of it. Here me out, you have to feel what you feel. It's okay to not be okay. It's not okay to stay that way.
However, I think it’s good to let those thoughts motivate me. I want to write and publish children’s books. I want to travel overseas. I want to find peace in loving myself and being confident in my own skin. Right now, I feel far away from a lot of those desires. I guess that’s the good news though. While time when held up to eternity seems so intensely small, it’s really not small to me. I have a whole lifetime left.
I am only 27, and I am believing that the greatest years of my life are in front of me. I have lived enough life to know that those hopes, dreams, and goals I have aren’t unattainable, but they also cannot be accomplished overnight. Reaching achievements, conquering goals, and experiencing growth takes time. Sometimes a whole lot more than I want it to.
The best thing I can do today is keep taking steps toward those desires. I believe God places those things in my heart intentionally, and I won’t ever be content to just let them fade into the background. Instead, I can start small today. I can keep pushing toward what I want in this life.
In reality though, those are all selfish desires, things I want for myself, to feel like I’ve really lived a full life. Honestly, what I want out of my life when it comes time to lay my body to rest, is to be known as someone who loved big.
If you’ve ever watched the movie musical, “RENT,” then you probably remember the funeral scene where they sing the reprise of “I’ll Cover You/Seasons of Love.” If I could wish for anything at my funeral, I think recreating that scene would be it. Singular voices arising around the room, eventually joining together in a common chorus of the words, “When you’re worn out and tired, I’ll cover you.” I want the people celebrating my life to be reminded that your life is truly measured in “Seasons of Love.”
I want my life’s legacy to be one of love above literally anything else. I want to be known as the person who did the right thing even when it was really hard because it’s the best way to love. I want to be known as a good friend, good sister, good daughter, good whatever else. I want to be a person who makes people feel seen and cared for. I want to be a light in as many rooms as I can be. Those things require steps too.
So in the spirit of not having a lot of time left, but also knowing I have my entire life ahead of me, I’m going to try to get better and try to walk toward those goals a little every day. I’m going to embrace this season of love, and figure out who I need to be loving better. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s my neighbor. Maybe it’s someone close. If there are things in life I haven't been able to experience that I deeply desire to, I get to start marching toward those things right now if I want.
I want to live a life that was full of getting what I want, and what I want is moment after moment of deep love both received and given. There's a really crazy juxtaposition of selfishness and selflessness there. I guess no one ever said life was black and white or easy to figure out. Yay for being a human. What a journey.
If you knew tomorrow would be your last day, what would you do differently before your time was up? How will people remember you? I think it’s important to think about sometimes. I find myself thinking about it a lot these days.
You are truly and deeply loved.
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