My Confusing Brain

I’m just walking juxtaposition, really.

I love slow, restful mornings where I make myself smooth, pour over, floral, coffee and bake a sweet, filling breakfast. But I also feel like if I’m not flying 200mph through life, I’m not really living. Some of my most favorite moments have been driving through the night from one soul filling event to make it to the airport in time for the next one. Sometimes we would blast the air conditioning and make it too cold to keep us awake. On one trip we rewrote the lyrics to the first act of Hamilton to be about giving and receiving wedgies, one of those things that’s semi embarrassing now, but at the time it was the funniest thing I’d ever heard. Giggling like that feels alive to me. Pausing, taking deep breaths, and slowly sipping coffee is also life giving. I think both sides mean I’m living.

I love people, while simultaneously being exhausted by them. I love getting to know people, hearing their stories. I love the process of building relationships, but I’m also ridiculously intimidated by the thought of it. I love and feel called to care for people who are struggling, but my heart will often times hold on too tightly and feel deeply for a long time afterward. I’m in the people business, and I love it, but it’s hard. Big events with lots of people is kind of my whole deal, but I can guarantee my body and my brain will need time to stare blankly at a wall or a screen to recover afterward.

I genuinely hate being late and holding things off until the last minute. That’s a ridiculous thing to say for someone who procrastinates like I do, and for someone who grossly underestimates the time it takes to get myself ready, drive to my destination, and be sure I have everything I need before I leave.

I get a crazy amount peace when I organize something new and even when I just buy the thing that’s supposed to help with the future organizing. But I literally can never find anything. I was packing for a trip recently, and I swear one of my travel bags disappeared. I did find it, but It ended up in a spot I never normally leave it, and I genuinely didn’t remember putting it there. I love having a clean house, but most days starting any kind of tidying feels impossible. One simple task can feel overwhelming, and I usually get lost in other things on my way to the first thing. I know that if I just clean the dishes right after I use them, they will go away, but I never ever do that. Definitely never often enough to make it routine.

I love loud, overstimulating environments. Rock concerts never get old for me. But, I’m also over stimulated very easily, especially if I’m trying to focus. I need noise to focus but not too much because that means I’ll get distracted. I get so cranky and uncomfortable when my entire work week is in the office, but I look forward to quiet time in the office to recharge. Make that make sense.

Maybe typing this all out just confirms my suspicion that I’ve been living with undiagnosed ADHD my whole life, but it also reveals something beautiful to me about the human condition. We are complex creatures, designed with such intention in every detail. There is a whole lot that takes place within my own body to keep it breathing and thinking, so much that is out of my control. Yet these unseen things allow me to dream, hope, heal, and feel. There’s an entire universe within my mind that no one else can see. What a crazy miracle.

I didn’t realize this about myself until I became an adult, but I’m good at compartmentalizing things, especially my emotions. I thought forever that you could only feel one feeling at a time, but that’s just not at all how that works. God created our minds so complexly and to believe one feeling exists separate from another is kind of ridiculous.

As a human I can feel both sad AND angry. Both joy AND pain. Sometimes the trauma our brains have been exposed to, the hormonal imbalances we experience, or just being a human living in a broken world can cause us to feel things we can’t explain or find reason for. I could spend the rest of my life trying to diagnose my wildly intricate brain, but I believe so much of being a person means feeling and thinking the deep stuff.

Maybe this is a lot of rambling, but more than anything I want you to know that your feelings are valid. What you feel, what you think, it’s okay. It’s what we do with those things that really makes us who we are. Our world is a flaming hot dumpster fire, friends, so just make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Make sure you take the time to feel the things because they don’t go away when you shove them down. May we all find some stillness that is actually restful as we move about the rest of summer.

You are truly and deeply loved.