I wanted to quit my job this week. The work that I do is really hard. I love it, and I know it’s my calling, but I was spent this week. I couldn’t stop romanticizing jobs where I could show up, stock shelves, and when I clocked out at the end of the day, the weight of work didn’t come home with me. I’m tired physically, but this is the time of year my soul gets tired.
This past Sunday, my church put on our annual DadFest event, where we set up in the park with inflatables, a dad’s only bacon tent, food trucks, a live classic rock band, and so much more. We have the dream of this really becoming a community minded event, where people who would never check out church feel loved, seen, and celebrated by church people. With that in mind, I had a lot more responsibility in pulling it all together. Collecting sponsors, inviting community partners to participate, and working with volunteers to create something people would want to attend has taken the majority of my time for the last while. In the end, I think we pulled off a good event. There was a steady stream of people we’d never met before for 2 hours, and a lot of people asked questions about who we were. One guy even said that we turned his Father’s Day around and made it a great day for him.
There were a lot of wins, but I felt defeated. The post event blues hit me like a truck on Monday morning. All day long I fought voices that said, “This event sucked.” “No one liked it.” “We could have done so much better.” Physically I was spent from a full day running around in the sun, but the mental exhaustion was so much worse. I could only see all of the things that went wrong on Sunday.
After arriving to work on Monday morning, I was greeted with an unpleasant volunteer situation. The details aren’t important, I just know that after feeling the way I felt about Sunday and then filling a work day with conflict made me think about never doing this again.
Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it all feels exaggerated when you’re already tired. Things that barely annoy me become reasons to get so angry I shake and my face gets hot.
I know better than to just give up or make any kind of rash decision based on a moment of discouragement. I know that I am insanely grateful for the team of people that made that event happen, and I know that it really was a good event. I also know that working through petty conflict can be a brilliant opportunity to point people to Jesus.
I’m good. I’m not quitting. I’m not running. But this is a space to be honest. The real truth is that I’m really tired. Imagine training for a marathon, running the marathon, and then within the same hour it’s finished you have to go play in a basketball tournament. Maybe that’s a stupid metaphor. I know nothing about being an athlete. I do know about working for a church, and no one outside of that vocation will ever understand the toll it takes.
Christians tend to really romanticize church work, but if you’re doing it right, it hurts. If you’re doing it right, you’re creating a space for messy people to bring their mess into the light and experience healing. Healing isn’t smooth. It’s not pretty. It’s not organized or rational. Healing is exposed, sludgy, grimy, and painful. The goal is to lift it all to a warm, comforting, beautiful place, but getting there is an ugly, inconsistent road.
I do see my influence as a huge blessing and a gift, but what people don’t realize is that when I look out at the crowd on Sundays, I see faces and names that go with stories of divorce, betrayal, grief, loss, heartache, addiction, loneliness, hopelessness, anger, and so much more. I’m in a very privileged positions, and I recognize that having a platform to speak light and life into those situations is a huge blessing.
I also know it wears on my soul pretty fast.
I think all of this boils down to being human. We’re all inherently messy. While sacrificing for other messy humans, I am also subject to my own messy humanness. My job is very spiritual, and I believe God works through me supernaturally. However, I am but a human vessel, bad thoughts, sickness, bacteria, farts, tears, and all.
So today is a just a jumble of thoughts, I guess. Because as much as I want this space to help people, writing it down and sharing it is therapy for me too. I guess maybe I’m being selfish with this one, but maybe you need encouragement to check in with yourself and do something you need to do for you today. Maybe you need a little more grace for yourself. Maybe you need to be reminded that the Creator of the universe is all powerful and all knowing, but you, my friend, are not.
Either way, please take care of you. Remind the people you love that you love them.
You are truly and deeply loved.
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