It's time to let you in on something that’s a little embarrassing for me:
For about 6 years now, I’ve had a purple tie in my bedroom. It moved with me from an old prison-cell-like dorm room to my first apartment on Bluegrass. It moved from there to a loud house in the country full of kids, and from that house to a scuffed up box in a garage. Now it rests near my mirror in my 1 bedroom apartment. That multi-patterned purple tie has fallen down, been kicked behind things, and collected dust.
But why have I kept it with me all these years?
Originally, it was bought on a goodwill trip with my then roommate, as a reminder to pray for my, “future husband.” I would pray for him, even if it took years. And then one day, when I knew he was the one, I would give him the tie.
Here’s the thing though, that tie is so ugly. The patterns are awful, and purple isn’t even appealing to me anymore. It’s probably coated in allergens, and I don’t smile when I see it. If anything, I get sad thinking about how much my life has changed since the season of life when I thought purchasing that tie made sense. It’s like a signal to grieve college, not a sign to pray for my love life.
Plus, I think it would make a bad gift.
It was something sweet that my roommate and I did together as young Christians. Even now, I understand the sentiment, but I wish there was someone several years ahead of me explaining why that logic was so flawed. I was a traumatized, brand new Christian with daddy issues diving heart first into toxic Christian dating culture. While I should have had reminders all over to pray for strength and hope in my current college friendships and leadership, I spent my glances at the tie dreaming of the world where a man came around and really sealed the deal on my future.
I don’t know. I think I’m ready to burn that tie. Not that I’ve given up on any hope of having a spouse or loving someone intimately enough to look forward to marriage, but I have given up on the thought that my journey really begins once I’ve found that man. I’m not here to burn the patriarchy down, (though I feel these conversations are connected, that’s a topic for another time), but I am working on burning the idea of needing to be married.
I think the sentiment of the tie is really sweet, but it’s also really cringy. My current self finds it creepy. I have prayed a lot for whoever that man may or may not be, but I know confidently now that God isn’t waiting to move in my life until I have a romantic partner. I believe he’s given me the desire for that kind of love and intimacy, but aspiring to marriage just isn’t the goal for me anymore.
You know I’m about honesty here, so I know this is an okay place to admit that being a single woman in any career field or position of leadership is hard, but especially in the church world, it’s a challenge. Thankfully, my church is a place that is very encouraging and supportive of female teachers, preachers, and leaders. I know this battle is a lot easier to fight in my sphere than it is for most women. I have a lot of freedom to try new things, grow in areas I want to grow in, and to represent women like me from stage often.
That doesn’t mean that reality comes without questions, comments, and difficulties. My grandma always assumes that my job at the church is to do the, “book keeping.” Clearly women can’t do anything more spiritual than that and Sunday school! People ask when I am going to get married. They remind me to not be discouraged that a man hasn’t swept me away yet. They tell me that one day I’ll have a family of my own, then I will really understand. I’m not oblivious to those pressures, and there is a deep burning part of me that wishes that more people could assume that I am happy and content with my life in the exact season and circumstances that I have been placed.
I can be frustrated with those assumptions all day, but it doesn’t change the fact that every time I am asked or talked to about it, I am just reminded that a husband and children are people, moments, and memories I don’t have yet. I am sure that’s really why those pressures are frustrating to me. I don’t want to be defined by them, and I don’t think that I am, but it doesn’t change the fact that I do desire having those things. I think it's possible to live contently in both worlds: a world of wish and want that's also a world of gratitude and acceptance for this moment in time. I don't think it has to be one or the other.
I don’t fault my younger self for having hopes and dreams of falling in love and starting a family. Now, I know that not being married, not having children doesn’t make me less valuable, less worthy, or less anything. I'm not convinced that my younger self had confidence in that. Currently, I still very desperately want marriage and babies, but I do wish there were more confident voices around the younger me reminding her that what God is calling her to is possible to attain without marriage coming first.
The truth is, right now, I am surrounded by a lot of people that love me. I am surrounded by a family that I have chosen and that feels like home. None of it is in the conventional, stereotypical ways that family is formed, but nothing about my life ever has been normal or as expected. It only makes sense that my family would resemble the same.
I don’t have my own children to raise and love yet, but I do have a niece who I love and adore. Some of my greatest joys in life right now are watching her learn new things and experience the world around her. If I had my own marriage and family to maintain, I know there are really precious pieces of her life that I wouldn’t be as closely tied to. Some of the memories I have with her that I’ll carry forever, and the chances I have had to hold her and reminder that she is safe and loved might not be hers if my life were different right now.
All this to say, I don’t doubt that I desire a husband for a reason, but I am in a space now, where I know that my ministry, my future, my family, and my calling aren’t dependent on that desire reaching fulfillment. My friends, I need you to know that God has incredible things in store for YOU, not just you and your partner. You don’t need to wait for them to start chasing what you’re called to do.
Maybe it’s time we all cut our purple ties.
If you run fast enough after your dreams and someone who checks all the boxes and doesn’t make you lower your standards is running fast enough to keep up with you on the journey, maybe it’s worth glancing over and introducing yourself. But until then, breathe deep in the moments you have been placed in. Find purpose in this season. You don’t belong to any other human, you aren’t defined by any relationship you have or don’t have with another person, and there truly is no is no limit to what you are capable of as an individual.
With or without a significant other,
With or without babies,
You are truly and deeply loved.
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