It was a rather relaxed, uneventful Wednesday afternoon when I heard these staggering statistics. I was invited to be a part of a committee that works to fight child abuse and neglect in my community, and this was the first meeting I had been able to attend. The room was quiet, only a handful of us were seated in a large conference room. As one of the meeting’s leaders read their numbers, the whole room was still. From January to June of this year, they have gone through a total of 65 forensic interviews with children. That is 65 individual suspected cases of child abuse. It was a real struggle keeping the weight of my jaw from crashing into the floor. 65 children in 6 months.
Since my last blog post, at least 4 women have personally told me about similarities in our stories. 4 women that I know and love have told me that their lives have been affected by sexual trauma. There’s a large part of me that hates that this story is shared by so many. But there is another fiery part of me that loves knowing we aren’t alone, that we have a say in what the future looks like for us and our world.
“Thanks for sharing and removing shame for all of us,” said a friend of mine. That post has been viewed more than 150 times, and it’s still growing. I don’t say any of this to hype myself up or to say how amazing I am, but I do share this so that you can know the power of your own words and the beauty that can come through your willingness to be vulnerable and share your story. The response to my last post has been so overwhelmingly encouraging.
I’ll be real, I had no idea how any of that would be received. I thought maybe there would be family upset with me. I thought maybe the words would be too explicit for someone like myself, who holds a leadership position at a church, to post. I thought maybe people would look at me differently, treat me differently when they saw me. This was all self imposed fear. I had been trying to type that story for months. Actually having the courage to share that story was something God was working on through me for the past 8+ years. It took lots of time, patience, and grace with myself, and even after I had it typed and reread over and over and over again, there was still all kinds of fear and hesitancy leading up to pushing that “publish” button. It was terrifying.
But every last piece of it has been so worth it. Not only has this been a powerful milestone for me, but I think it’s speaking to other people. I am in absolute awe at the idea of what I considered to be one of the darkest parts of me and my story being used to reach other people. After spending weeks imagining the worst outcomes, I realize now that I would happily take on all of those if it meant one person felt less alone.
After church on Sunday, I sat back stage in our green room as one story that was shared with me weighed heavily on my heart. I had an honest moment in prayer as I told God that this was too heavy of a burden for me to carry. I know that God has called me to share this part of myself, but that means more people will be sharing that part of themselves with me. As much as I want to be there for people, that’s the definition of a trauma trigger. How do I carry burdens like that?
But God reminded me that it really isn’t my burden to bear. My responsibility is to bear witness and respond in love. As a follower of Jesus I believe that not only are those burdens for Jesus to carry, but he already has victory over them. Giving something over to God isn’t necessarily easy if you’re like me and you feel things deeply. I can “hand it over” all day, but my heart still aches.
However, God really does and did triumph all evil. And I think my heart aches for people on purpose. As much as I think God wouldn’t want me to be in pain, I know he gave me a heart for victims of abuse on purpose. I know a big part of my calling in life is to love and comfort those who don’t know love and comfort. Of course my heart will ache when someone shares their story with me. Honestly, if that changes, I’ve become numb, and something is wrong. If I feel, it means I care. And I really care deeply about being a part of the solution to this problem. And I care deeply about hearing your stories, so please keep sharing them!
Being a victim of sexual abuse is a common story that too many of us share. If there was a way for me to ensure that all victims knew they were loved and cared for appropriately and properly, I would pay any price. But as a human, I can only do so much. If you don’t have a relationship with God, it’s important to me that you know that God loves you so much that it’s a price he’s already paid, even when He knew how messy things would get. But I promise that I understand that it’s hard to believe and understand when other people have made you a victim. Still, you are seen. You are known. You are loved
For now, I’ll just keep sharing my story in hopes that I might play a part in creating a better future for our kids, that I might play a part in helping a current survivor's present. And I will do my absolute best to never take the honor of hearing your stories for granted. Thank you beyond words for all that you’ve shared with me so far.
If you’re reading this, you are so strong. You are so deeply loved.
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