I don’t know how I made it out of my childhood alive. Pain inflicted by other people aside, I genuinely grew up doing a lot of dumb stuff, typically outside. I had access to screens as a kid, but not always internet until I was a preteen, so that means I spent a lot of time in the woods. I spent most of my high school years daydreaming about getting out of Newaygo, Michigan. I couldn’t stand the small town atmosphere and how ridiculously boring everything was. Now, being removed from my hometown for almost 10 years, I get really nostalgic for that simpler time when I was more worried about what song I would sing at the top of my lungs into the trees and what game my cousins and I would recklessly play on the trampoline each afternoon.
One of our favorite past times as kids, was hooking up whatever junk was around the yard to the farm tractor hitch and riding it up and down the quarter mile long driveway at my aunt’s house. Most of the time, we were pulled up and down bumpy dirt paths in a wagon or flatbed trailer, but one winter, we used an old rusty truck hood that just happened to be present. It was “safely” secured to the hitch with a rusty chain, also present in the yard that winter. When we weren’t sledding behind the tractor, Aunt Tracy would get us all bundled in layers and layers of winter gear, including plastic grocery bags that we wrapped around our feet and tucked into our winter boots, and send us out into the woods. The sledding hills were a decent hike away through knee-high snow. Both the closest two hills and the furthest away were just junk piles and sand mounds. Who knows what kind of sharp metal thing we could have been impaled on at any moment. And the hills definitely weren’t visible from the house where any adult supervision would have been.
I don’t think we were technically allowed to do this, but we spent a lot of time climbing through the 25-30 foot tall stacks of hay in the barn. We would play in little sections like we had a hay covered house or fort for hours. We spent a lot of time meandering through those hay stacks looking for barn kittens to cuddle too. Again, I don’t think we had permission to do this, and I think I can remember being reprimanded for it, and with good reason because at any moment, we could have stepped into a weak spot of hay in that rickety barn and fallen 3 stories to the ground or into the depths of hay covered darkness.
I remember at least one afternoon spent walking barefoot through the muck in the horse pasture. Yep, mud and poop included. Another summer afternoon we spent sitting in the horse trough in our bathing suits like we had our own personal swimming pool. The trampoline was the most fun both in the fall when we piled leaves on it and jumped in them and then in the summer when we not only put the sprinkler under the trampoline, but then we covered it in dish soap so it was extra slippery. I think about that now as someone who loves little kids and who wants to be a mom someday, and I get so nervous about concussions and broken bones.
I won’t say my childhood was without injury. I took a rusty nail through the foot on that farm. My cousin broke her ankle on one of those infamous tractor trailer rides. I remember lots of splinters, various scratches, poison ivy, scrapes, bruises, and one awful incident with horsefly bites on my head. Major injuries were very limited, and we all made it out alive. And to be clear, none of this is a stab at anyone’s parenting or adult supervision decision making. So if you are reading this, and you were a part of taking care of me while I grew up, I am not writing any of this as judgement. This is just dumb trouble we got into as kids. We made our own fun out of mud pies, ghosts in the graveyard, and dressing cats in baby clothes. Sometimes I miss that willingness to just play and have fun without inhibitions. We just did stuff because it was what we wanted to do. I don’t have any memory of a fear of getting hurt. We just went outside and played.
The Muskegon River is so wide and deep, and to be honest, it’s intimidating to me as an adult. It’s pretty fast moving, and I almost watched my mom drown in it once, but we literally took class trips down that river in elementary school. Rafts full of literal children just floating down the river for miles, an adult paddling past lazily in a canoe once in a while. Not only did we not die, but I was never afraid, and I had a freaking blast laughing and attempting to steer a boat full of my giggly friends.
That fear did creep in at some point though right? And I’m not the only one, I can’t be. Maybe I’m the odd one out, but I don’t climb many trees because I don’t want to break my bones. I don’t do as many risky things because my body is really different now than it was in grade school. What would it be like if we all decided to live a little like kids again?
Now, I understand it’s an actual part of human development to inherit a sense of fear and caution. Once you touch a hot stove because you are wondering what it feels like, you learn quickly not to purposefully touch hot things again. But I just desperately never want to live in that. Healthy caution is fine and fair, and I practice it for sure. I’m a single female who lives alone. Especially after dark, I am always cautious of my surroundings. I think that’s healthy caution.
But I really don’t ever want to be in a place where that fear keeps me from living my life and enjoying experiences created for me. Sure creepy people come out at night, but sometimes I like to stand on the sidewalk and look up at the stars for a while. Sure airplanes are compact germ infested metal tubes hurling through the atmosphere at ungodly speeds, but I won’t let that take away from the awe I feel soaring through the clouds.
I guess that’s just what I’m wondering about today. What kinds of things is fear keeping me from experiencing? What kinds of things, if I knew failure wouldn’t happen, would I be doing more of or starting for the first time?
Those are my questions for you today too, dear reader. When was the last time you set your worries aside and just played? Just stopped and had fun for a second? I think it’s time. Hit the pause button on overthinking and just go start that thing without thinking about what people think about you or your art. Stop thinking about all the work you have to get done and take a second to watch something silly, run around in the rain, or wrestle with your kids. Life is going to keep coming, and there is plenty of time to worry. But what does little-kid-you want to do or explore this weekend? Maybe give them a chance to peek through and do the talking.
You are truly and deeply loved.
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