Once my sister was in the middle of a game of Candy Land with our dad, when he began seizing and eventually passed out on the game board. Another time, I can remember looking around the house for my dad to ask him a question only to find him unconscious on the bathroom floor. My normal reaction was to check to make sure he was still breathing and then leave the room. This happened pretty often. I remember a night when my sister was supposed to be in a school play and she was really anxious and excited for my dad to come and see her. He never showed. Turns out, he was pulled over and arrested for the night. I remember phone calls that would leave me more upset than happy that he wanted to talk to me because his words were slurring and I couldn’t understand what he was saying to me.
I grew up with so many negative feelings toward my father. I remember wanting so badly to spend time with him, wanting him to pay attention to the things I liked, and just wishing I felt safe around the one man who was supposed to make me feel that way. Not to say that he didn’t try to make efforts toward those things ever. Sometimes the bad memories outweigh the good ones. It’s hard to remember times like when he chose to pirate and record Twilight on DVD for me simply because he knew I liked the movie, and he wanted me to have a copy at his house. Those little efforts tend to get overshadowed by the countless times I turned off stove top burners behind him, or moved his sleeping head out of his cold bowl of oatmeal.
I think about all of this a lot when I spend time with my niece and nephew. I’ve never been more committed to keeping someone safe and creating positive memories for someone than when I look in their innocent little eyes and see souls desperate for exploration and discovery, minds full of curiosity, and hearts that, whether they are aware or not, are longing to be comforted and protected.
I know I’m not always going to get it right. I know I am human, and there are going to be times that kids get on my nerves, or I have a bad day. I know I won’t be able to make it to every single soccer game and dance recital. However, there is such an honest and joy filled part of me that lights up with every karaoke party, hide and seek session, or nap time snuggle. It’s like the little girl in me gets to relive moments and remake the bad memories into really precious ones. It’s like a little bit of the hurt and pain of not having a great relationship with my dad and feeling unsafe growing up melts away with every giggle Freyja and I share together. Experiencing that healing taking place inside of me while also seeing the smile it brings her is a blessing unlike anything I’ve ever known before. I may not always get things right, but Freyja and Zeppelin will grow up knowing that their Auntie really tried.
Last February, Aldi released a play set complete with a check out counter, a conveyer belt, a branded shopping bag, and play food. My niece was a little more than a year old at that time and was working on walking still, so imaginative play was still a bit above where she was developmentally. But if you think that stopped me from rushing to Aldi so that my sister and I could play store with a baby that barely understood, you would be wrong. I bought it all so quickly, and my sister and I had the best time assembling it together. Afterward, we set the stage with a grocery store soundtrack video playing on one of our phones, (Yes, apparently that exists) and we got to shopping with a 15 month old that just kind of tolerated us. Now, as a two year old, she loves to push her shopping cart around and buy groceries for her babies, but really, that Aldi kitchen was for us at first.
It’s moments like that and like singing and dancing with Freyja to Disney music that created the soundtrack of my childhood escapes, that really make me appreciate my life in ways I never did before. Not only do I get to heal these childhood wounds that exist inside of me while spending time with her, but I get to create and provide happy, healthy memories for a little girl that I love more than I can explain. Sharing those moments with my sister and her kids is reconciling so much of my heart. Obviously, the key to this is that I don’t then project too much onto my niece and nephew, or grow frustrated when they don’t want to do the things I wanted to do as a child.
That part actually makes me really excited. As long as I have anything to do with it, Freyja and Zeppelin will grow up knowing that they have permission and space to discover who they are and what they love. I think more pieces of me will begin to heal as I watch those littles learn what they are passionate about and really learn about their place in the world in a way that isn’t scary or painful. As long as I get a say, they will know that there are adults that love them, care for them, and not only want to do silly things with them, but want to know them. I want them to feel seen. I want to know all of the things they find annoying and what really makes them laugh. I want to know what breaks their heart and what problems they really want to be a part of solving. As an adult, I am still learning to be loved in that way. I pray that my niece and nephew will grow up knowing that being seen, loved, appreciated, and protected is just a normal standard for love. It’s not something they will need to beg, wish, or hope for. It’s just what they will have for no other reason than they exist in my world.
If you grew up in crumby circumstances, or you feel like your childhood was robbed of certain joys, that’s no excuse to just sit in that and be sad. It’s no excuse to keep others from being loved better than you were. If your life has been painful, I know there is someone who could benefit from your experience and perspective. If your childhood has bad memories, you will probably have a chance this week sometime to make a kid feel heard and safe. God has this way of making really tough things, really broken, battered things, into precious, breathtaking works of art. While the fall is usually a season plagued with seasonal depressive transitions and memories of grief for me, God gave me a niece and a nephew who both have birthdays in the fall, followed up with holidays where I get to make new memories and traditions with them and my other loved ones. With God’s blessing, this season has become one of warmth, love, and joy.
What do you need to do to show love to the little kiddo in your heart? What does he or she need today that could bring adult you joy? I am sure there is something they feel that they missed out on or are having a hard time healing from. Be gentle with that child today, and remember that your pain could very well be used to keep others from experiencing their own. Even having breath in our lungs is a gift beyond what we deserve. Now think about how crazy it is that we have the opportunity to use that life to make the world better than the one we grew up in. Think about what an incredible blessing it is that we get to be a part of making someone else's life better. I hope you look for ways to do that today, my friend.
You are truly and deeply loved.
Comments