Have you ever stood outside the morning after a winter storm? When the sun is making the snow and ice twinkle and the entire town is still and resting? I know sometimes in Michigan the air hurts your face when you stand outside, but it’s one of the most beautiful places to just stand in and breathe. Fresh air is so good for you in the winter, and it’s crazy to hear only the sound of far off snow falling in fluffs from the trees to the icy earth. Every once in a while a snowplow can be distracting, but even that is a powerful reminder to be grateful that someone is clearing the roads and it’s not me.
It’s been snowy where I live to say the least. One moment it was 50 degrees, and now there are several feet of snow. This past weekend, I didn’t really leave the house. I watched movies, took naps, and curled up with my book.
One afternoon this week while the snow flutters had paused, my family and I spent time driving around town glancing at snowdrifts, empty snow covered fields, and the occasional very large, front yard snowman. As we aimlessly drove around, with no destination in mind, we ended up circling our way through my old college campus.
As I watched each red brick building pass my window, I was hit with a really stark realization; I don’t have many fun memories from college.
Each building has a group of memories associated with it, but most of them reflect how exhausted I was and remind me of how many friendships I had that weren’t deep. There isn’t a single person that I met on campus who is now an involved part of my life. It’s not that I didn’t have friends, it’s just that each friendship fizzled out. Some of it was unnecessary drama. Some of it was legitimate disagreement. Some people I was content to let fade into the background. Most of it was that after graduation, we began living our lives separately and maintaining adult relationships is really challenging.
I was listening to a podcast soon after our icy drive when the hosts started sharing funny memories they had from the dumb things they did in college, and I started to feel really sad for myself. Now, the party scene wasn’t for me, so I’m not sad that I don’t have drinking stories, but I am sad that I didn’t adventure much. I didn’t take a lot of risks, or do crazy things on a whim. I didn’t chase sunsets or sneak onto the roofs of buildings. I hardly ever left campus. When I wasn’t in class, I was studying. The free time I had, if any, was poured into my campus ministry. The couple of fun memories I have are from my first few semesters. After that, I was just working constantly. I was leading meetings, navigating leadership conflict, cramming in homework, drudging through group projects, listening to online lectures, meeting with professors, and working a part-time job. Even looking back on that time isn’t fun. It’s exhausting to even think about.
I don’t regret how I spent my time in college. I believe the work I put into my studies and the sacrifices I made for the ministries I was a part of were absolutely worth it. I don't regret any of the relationships I formed. Each one served its purpose in my life, and there are some that will always hold a sacred place in my heart. However, I do wish that someone would have been there in the moment trying to get me to actually LIVE a little. I wish someone would have said, “Mak, close the book, say, ‘No’ to the thing you are about to say, ‘Yes’ to, and go make memories that count. Stop worrying about what your friends might think. Go be silly. Go have fun.”
Spontaneous adventures have happened more so post graduation. As it turns out, it's a big part of what fuels me. One day after a particularly hot couple of summer days, I had no plans for the evening, so I went and jumped in our local river. It's seems like such a simple, little thing, and if you know anything about my local river, it's far from glamorous. But with that little adventure came intense joy and freedom. That’s the living I wish college me had given herself a chance to experience more often. The kind of living captured in the caption I wrote to go with photos from that silly river adventure.
I wish I could have told myself these words, “Some nights you just need to chase golden light through a grassy field alongside a desolate dirt road after going for a solo swim in murky water. Sometimes there will be dirt between your toes and the smell of muck and earth breezing through your passenger side and driver’s window, whirling around into a happy hurricane-like dance in your backseat. Sometimes that dance will kick your damp hair across your cheekbone, and you will smile as you sing quiet melodies toward Heaven. Sometimes you just feel free.”
Here’s to experiencing more of that. Here’s to living a little.
You are truly and deeply loved.
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