“If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, call or text 988 immediately.
If you are uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can chat the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988lifeline.org.
You can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.” National Alliance on Mental Illness
I apologize in advance if this gets too dark. It’s real. It’s honest. It’s me. If you have ever struggled with suicidal thoughts or depression, please practice caution if you still choose to read.
I was 13 years old when I had what I believe was my first suicidal thought. It was the first time I’d ever heard the dark, distinct whisper of, “It would be better if you weren’t here.” I remember there being lots of other whispers that followed, one eventually from my mom’s reassuring but concerned voice as she mentioned checking me into a mental health facility. For the first time, and not the last, I had to square with the horrifying reality that my brain was capable of telling me my life didn’t matter. That is scary no matter what age you are. No one was telling me to kill myself, but that was the direction that my mind began drifting.
I was kneeling on my bedroom floor, covered in thick tears when those thoughts came. I was inconsolable and I couldn’t verbalize why. No matter what my mom asked or what soothing words she offered, I could hardly breathe through the pain. Barely a teenager, I was convinced that life was too painful to keep living, and I was too much of a freak to ever fit in anywhere anyway.
This event jump started my therapy journey, and I will always be grateful to my mom for prioritizing that for me. Not everyone grows up with parents who understand the importance of seeking professional help when it comes to your mental health. I was a very blessed kid on that front. My mom fought hard for me. And I can never adequately thank her enough for loving me through it all. I know she never saw me as a burden, but that had to have been so hard to navigate.
In adulthood, that ugly voice that tries to convince me that my existence isn’t necessary tends to rear its head when I undergo any kind of medication adjustments or if I experience a new trauma. You read that correctly. The voices never went away forever, even after I discovered my faith. I believe it was after the shooting on my college campus that thoughts of harming myself rushed in front of me again like a flash of unsuspecting lightning. In that moment, my own brain scared me more than anything. I checked back into therapy almost immediately.
There was a moment just a couple of years back when I was undergoing my first major medication adjustment since high school where I sat weeping in my living room nervously texting my friend, “I just don’t want to be alone.” I was afraid of myself, my thoughts, and where they might lead me.
My first brush with the concept of someone taking their own life came much earlier. On more than one occasion I remember my dad telling me that my mom leaving him made him want to go get his shotgun or jump off of our hotel room balcony. That’s terrifying. No one should have to hear anyone express those dark thoughts, especially from their parents, the ones who are supposed to model love, protection, and provision. I don’t know that any introduction to suicide is ever a great one, but that certainly wouldn’t be my first choice.
Suicide sucks. It sucks that we keep losing people to it. It sucks that anyone can be convinced that no longer being alive is a viable solution. Choosing that answer means no one wins, and if you have ever experienced the grief of a death by suicide, you know that it only leaves deep pain in its wake. There’s no closure. There’s no relief for those you leave behind. Loved ones are just gone forever, and we get left asking what we could have possibly done differently, and how we didn’t see any of the warning signs.
If there was a way to look everyone who struggles with this in the eyes and explain just how needed they are, I would. I guess writing is my attempt at that. Being honest about my weakness is the best strategy for now.
Believe me, I know that sometimes those thoughts just get really loud. Many times there are a multitude of voices screeching into your mind all at once, and it desperately feels like there has to be some kind of silent relief, and maybe just maybe, you can find that in death. The spiral can happen to any one of us a whole lot faster and easier than most would think. I can't fault my dad for getting there, just like I can't fault myself.
But it’s so desperately important that you hear the truth; this world cannot afford to lose you.
My friend, let me reassure you that you are way too loved, way too valuable, and way too needed for suicide to be your choice. It will never be the right answer. It’s never an answer period.
If you have lost a loved one to suicide, blaming yourself won't help and please know that those of us who really struggle with dark thoughts have to be so stuck in our own confused, hurt mind to make a decision like that. It wasn’t your fault. While I can’t take the pain away from you, I can promise you that you deserve to heal and live a life not held down by guilt.
You aren’t broken beyond repair. You aren’t too much. You aren’t a mistake. You were put on this earth intentionally, and I don’t believe that any human, including yourself, has the right to decide when it's over. If you need help, it is available. If you need a friend and savior, I’d love to tell you more about Jesus. If you need to talk to someone, there are numbers you can call immediately. Whatever you need, whatever it takes to convince you that you matter to this world and to those around you, it exists out there.
If there is any way I can help you find it, I’d be honored.
I know this is heavy. I know this is dark. But if we don’t talk about it, if we aren’t honest about what’s happening inside our own head, the good, the bad, and the ugly, it can lead us down a very lonely, broken path that only creates more and more destruction.
If it’s helpful, I’d love to share some of the things that have helped me recognize the light at the end of the seemingly never ending tunnel. Mental health wise, I am doing better than I have in a long time, but I didn't get there alone.
Here are the things that have helped me step into joy:
1.Jesus.
It’s undeniable that becoming a Christian and discovering the love that God has for me has transformed my life forever. I’m not here to preach at you or shove any religion down your throat, but to say faith has changed my life is the understatement of my existence. God has done so much to clean out my heart of the inky, sludgy blackness and replace it with light, peace, and hope. My world has changed. My eyes have been opened. My life has been made new. God never removed all of my struggles or dark thoughts completely, but I’ll never be able to thank Him enough for the gift of not being alone in it.
2. My People
The list of those people is a lengthy one, but there are some standouts who truly played a part in rescuing me. Whether they played a role in leading me to my identity as a Christian, they loved me through my mess, or both. I’m alive and I enjoy being alive because of the unconditional and consistent love shown to me by my people. Having people in your life who you can trust to be your complete and true self without judgment, people who love you because of your weakness not despite it, is absolutely priceless. I’ll never have adequate enough words to properly thank them or express my deep love for them. Find your people. Not just any people, but the ones who can hold you up when you don’t have the strength. The ones who aren’t afraid of your darkest thoughts. It makes all the difference in the world.
3. My Purpose
I remember beginning my fight with anxiety and depression as a teenager and finding so much healing and relief in the notion that the decisions I make could positively impact others. As a high schooler, I used to be on a team that performed assemblies for elementary and middle schoolers. I found my purpose in the eyes of young students as I sang an uplifting lyric or recited a powerful poem. As much as I thought that team was changing the world for the better, it was also transforming me forever. It was healing parts of me that I didn’t even know were broken. It taught me that I get the most joy out of my life when I am helping other people. So much so that it’s turned into a career for me. I have found my purpose in loving the people of my community, holding space for them, creating fun environments for them, and just living an honest life with them. Believe it or not, that helps me wake up and roll myself out of bed in the morning. By living another day, I can impact another life. Whatever your purpose is, go find it and chase after it with reckless abandon.
4. The Little Things
If you’ve ever gone through a season of depression you know that this one is the key no matter what stage of life you’re in. When the world feels like it’s falling apart around you, it’s so important to grasp tightly to the tiniest things that warm you. Those little things, turn into big motivation and eventually you aren’t just tolerating the sun in your eyes, but you are smiling with gratitude that it's there. For some, this journey takes years, decades even, and that’s okay. But being grateful for the air you breathe starts with the recognition of the little things you love. It’s holding onto the melting, soothing feeling of a cup of coffee that was made just right or being held in the arms of someone you love. It’s dancing alone in your room to your favorite nostalgic pop songs. It’s reading a book that you enjoy because you want to. It’s taking a warm shower and washing your hair. It’s making a warm meal that you love to eat. The seeking out of those little things can make a really big difference in how you move through the world.
If any of this speaks to or helps even one person, I did my job.
My friend, there is hope. You are not alone. You are seen. Your life has indescribable value. Ending it is never the answer.
You are truly and deeply loved.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:15
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