“That sounds like a lot to me, and I’m on the outside of all that,” said my boss and lead pastor, “Are you still seeing your counselor?”
My therapist did tell me that I could call her and talk to her anytime, but for the last several months, I haven’t had an appointment. We both agreed at my last visit that I didn’t necessarily need regular meetings as often as I was having them because I was doing really well.
However, I made an appointment for next week because it is very much time for me to talk to someone. If this were just a heavy ministry season, that would be one thing. If I were just struggling with some family things, that would be another. I work a tough job on a normal day, but in this season it’s extra challenging and extra busy. Dude, people are messy, and I work in a place where we encourage people to bring their authentic mess into the light in order to experience healing. While I find that very fulfilling and meaningful, it can be a lot, especially when you are trying to balance it all with your own mess and regular work tasks!
I am really good at numbing my brain at the end of the day. Most nights after work, I want to spend time not thinking. Sometimes this is necessary and healthy, but not always. I love to get lost in a thick book or dramatic show, but I have found in this season of life that I am really good at using my favorite escapes as methods of avoiding my difficult thoughts and feelings.
I got to a point on Sunday, after a morning of walking around church grumpy for literally no reason, where I became a weepy puddle. I just cried and cried and couldn’t stop. Everything was too much. Everything felt sad. Everything felt overwhelming.
I know exactly how I get there every time that happens. Instead of feeling the feelings as they come and expressing my thoughts as they come, I just shove it down, snuggle under my covers, and get lost in a world that isn’t mine. When my life is too heavy, it’s easy for it to seem helpful to get lost in someone else’s conflict. Honestly, sometimes that is very helpful for me. I am loving reading before bed right now. I don’t think I realized just how much I was shoving the feelings down and using reading to numb them until I broke down.
So this little blog post is a little reminder. Make sure you check in with yourself. Make sure you don't miss out on fun nights with your friends just to stay home and be sad. Sometimes you need that, and sometimes you need a shove outside into the world again. The sun is out less and the days are shorter. Work, school, and life are in full swing. If you’re like me, you have less energy right now too. Do yourself a favor and just spend time thinking about these questions:
How are you feeling today?
What things are taking up the most space in your head?
If you aren’t feeling good, what is one healthy thing you can do to help move your mind, soul, and body in a different and better direction?
When was the last time you did something for yourself?
Have you rested well enough this week to do your most meaningful work?
Take an honest inventory, make a plan to have a better week next week, drink your water, eat a full meal that you love, and go to bed early tonight.
You are truly and deeply loved!
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