One of my hopes for this blog has always been that no one would feel excluded by the way I write. With that being said, I try to keep this blog a little more neutral when it comes to my faith in Jesus. However, I do believe in Jesus, and He is a huge part of my life, so naturally He’s going to come up. God’s been doing some deep cut work in me lately. I guess I just feel the need to share that today.
Today I am grateful for a seat at the table.
I did nothing to earn this. I don’t deserve any of it. You mine as well just call me Judas the Betrayer because I know God, I love Him, but I like to really go about life with my own ideas and not listen sometimes.
After you’ve experienced Jesus and His unending love, you don’t ever WANT to run away or even slowly step away, but the voices of the world, the brokenness here, is just so real. The devil makes it real easy. His voice sounds a lot like my own little whisper most of the time.
I shouldn’t have a seat at his table. But I do. Just like Judas did.
If you don’t know how the story goes, Judas was a close friend and follower of Jesus. He was devoted to the teachings of Jesus, and he spent several years living life closely and intimately with Him. When it came time for the prophecy to be fulfilled, for Jesus to be led to his own crucifixion, Judas Iscariot was the one who turned him over to the authorities. Whether it was for money, motivated by demon possession, or just a belief that Jesus had lost His mind, is up for debate, but at the end of the day, it was Judas’ choice. Judas, who was once a beloved companion of Jesus, became the one who shoved him toward brutal torture and punishment.
There is a small theology lesson involved when getting to this next piece. It is my theological understanding and belief that Jesus, The Holy Spirit, and God are three entities within one whole. I also believe that God is all knowing, omnipotent. Now, these can lead us down all kinds of rabbit holes and tangents when we then consider that God came to the earth in the human form of Jesus. Logically, I think that raises a lot of questions, whose answers are beyond our finite understanding, but this is where faith comes alive for me. It's wrestling with big questions, the lack of understanding, the realization that the more you know the less you really know. Faith comes alive as we learn to trust the God of infinite understanding and compassion with the answers that we may never arrive at in this lifetime.
With all that being said, while Jesus was here on earth, I believe He knew.
Jesus knew Judas would betray him. He knew what was happening in Judas’ heart. Yet, there was still a seat at the table of the Lord for him. When Jesus gathered His disciples for a meal before He would be led to His death, Judas’ invitation was never revoked. Jesus invited Him to sit down to the last meal of moments He’d have here before he died.
Judas had a seat. Judas ate. Judas was loved by Jesus, who knew every unfortunate detail.
Despite every flaw I have, every mistake I’ve made, any time my heart or intentions haven’t been pure, God is aware of all of it. And yet somehow, by what I can only explain as the indescribable, relentless, overwhelming, compassionate, graceful, love of God, He keeps inviting me to the table. God still loves me. And not in a way that pats me on the head and moves on. God loves me in a way that keeps calling me.
God loves me in a way that keeps using me to affect change and share His love with the world. God loves me enough to bless me in ways I never thought possible for a person like me. I'm so small and insignificant in comparison to eternity, and yet God knows me and loves me intimately, deeply.
I won’t lie, I’ve probably had more thoughts about walking away from ministry in the last few months than I’ve ever had. But then I sat at a board meeting for our local child advocacy center hearing the statistics and stories of children in my community who need adults fighting for their safety and protection. Realizing over again that I get to be a voice for those kids, changed me. Despite every tough thing I’ve endured, all the decisions I’ve made that I’m not proud of, God keeps calling me in a way that is so specific to the depths of my heart and so close to my personal story.
I pray that there is never a day that this reality is anything but crazy awesome.
I don't deserve a seat. None of us do. But we are offered one, everyday.
I didn’t intend to be overly preachy today, but I just really hope this speaks to someone. I’m just trying to be faithful in writing down the thoughts God has given me. I am believing that this must mean that someone reading this needs to hear it.
God has a seat for you. He openly invites you to his glorious and bountiful table. You just choose whether or not to sit down.
If you want to talk more about this, I’m sure you know how to reach me.
You are truly and deeply loved.
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