The first memory I have of personal body insecurity and comparison is from the fifth grade. I remember feeling like my belly was getting a little bigger than it used to be, and this was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. However, there was a girl in my 5th grade class who was about my height, but she was much bigger than me. For some reason, and maybe because it makes me cringe so hard now, I can remember the audible thought I had looking at her happy, protruding elementary schooler tummy, “At least my belly doesn’t stick out like that.”
I can feel my adult body shudder with disgust thinking about that now. That imagery and audible voice makes me so deeply sad for my little self and all of the other little girls around me then. We were supposed to worry about what games we were going to play next on the playground, who our favorite Webkinz were, and what kind of hot lunch pizza was the best, not about how our bodies compared to one another.
To give you a little background, this was just before puberty for me. You know, that glorious phase where you’re growing but still carrying all of your baby fat? I was all chubby cheeks and training bras. Sometimes it’s still hard for me to look at pictures of myself from elementary school.
I really shouldn’t feel ashamed about my young body. Not only does just about every human go through that weird transition phase, but I also had trauma and a bad diet working hard against me. Every time I was at Dad’s house, I prepared all my own food. For a 5th grader that meant all the microwavable classics like Bagel Bites, Hot Pockets, and bean burritos. As I encountered trauma after trauma, food became more and more comforting to me. I was constantly overeating food that wasn’t good for my developing body in the first place. I also wasn’t an active child. I always preferred laying in our body sized bean bags watching movies or playing violent Playstation 2 video games. If I wasn’t there, I was sitting in one of my dad’s desk chairs playing the Sims for too many hours at a time.
The odds of a healthy, well working body and brain weren’t stacked in my favor, but I also didn’t really have anyone teaching me nutrition, healthy exercise, or good affirming self talk. I can look back at photos of myself from my teens and be blown away at how skinny I was, but I also know the girl in those pictures never ever felt confident in her skin. It didn’t matter what she wore, how much she weighed, how her hair looked. There was always something to pick apart.
That negative body talk and insecurity all translated into my present adulthood, and I am still on a journey with it all. Starting on the 1st of the year, I decided to take some important steps with my health. I could feel that I wasn’t where I wanted to be with a lot of different things. I could tell I was overeating and that my diet wasn’t good or balanced. I was fatigued and not sleeping well. I wasn’t drinking nearly enough water. I was frequently experiencing dizzy spells. I have always struggled with my appearance, but the number on the scale actually got scary for me this time. I just didn't feel good.
But instead of looking at these changes as a method of changing my weight or looks this time, I wanted to do it in a way that was sustainable and not so dramatic that I couldn’t keep up with it. I wanted to feel better. I have been finding my motivation in not just gaining confidence in myself and growing stronger but also in knowing that I have a lot of life left to live. I have a lot of people left to love. I have a lot more I want to accomplish, and I want to be the healthiest version of myself for that. I think pursuing good health is the only real way to make sure I reach all of those things.
The truth is, when it comes to being active and eating right, I don’t know a lot. But I am watching videos, keeping a food diary, making it to the gym to move every week, and I am learning. With the help of my chiropractor and support from my gym buddy and best friend in the whole world, I’m doing it. We are doing it together. It's hard work, but I am 7 weeks in and I feel really good. I have more energy. My body has new curves and muscles forming that I’m discovering everyday. My clothes are fitting better. And that’s only 7 weeks! I have plans to keep up these new habits, and I can’t wait to see how I feel this summer.
For me, watching numbers on a scale is only discouraging. There is a real reason I don’t own one. So I really am not tracking how much weight I'm losing, but I feel it and see it happening. I told myself at the beginning of all this that it was about feeling better more than anything. Watching my body change along the way is a cool bonus, but feeling awake, energized, strong, and confident is the real sign of progress here. It’s amazing to see what taking care of your body can do!
For the first time probably ever, my skin, my bones, my insides, my brain, my heart, my breath, feel good. They are things that I’m proud of. Not necessarily because of the way it all looks, but I am proud of the way it moves, the way it feels, and the way it allows me to keep functioning. Our bodies are such beautiful, unique masterpieces. My body really is the vessel that allows me to keep loving people, showing up to the things I’m passionate about, and making a difference in the world. That should be enough for all of us to show our bodies kindness. What a precious gift it is to have a body that works. I will keep doing my best to care for it, not only in the way I eat and move, but also in the way I talk to it and think about it. It’s a journey. I have had bad days, and there are more in front of me, but I know for a fact that my mental health, especially with it being February in Michigan's never ending winter, is in a much better place because of the choices I'm making to care for myself.
Just like I wish I could go back and speak life into little Makaela for all kinds of reasons, I choose today to speak gratitude over my body and all that it has done for me. My encouragement to you is that you do the same. As difficult as it can be, make space today to be grateful for the body you have been given, the way it knows exactly what to do to keep you living. Show it that gratitude by doing something that’s good for it. Maybe today you learn a line dance, maybe you choose to eat an apple for a snack, maybe you choose to rest because you haven’t in a while.
I hope you take time today to listen to what your body is saying because it knows you, and you know your body. I hope you take what it tells you, and you do something with it today. I promise it will feel so good.
I think our tiny, insecure, prepubescent selves could use the healing today. Little you deserves positive body affirmation. Present you deserves positive affirming body talk and action.
You are truly and deeply loved.
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