I love you. I know you love me too, and I can’t even begin to describe just how much that means to me. You don’t know how much you just choosing to love me helps untangle the lies I’ve been telling myself my whole life. There will never be enough thankfulness in the world to cover for that.
What I have been through has tried really desperately to get me to believe that I’m not worthy of love, that it’s too good to be true, and that no one could ever possibly love me. If they do say they love me, once they learn the truth about who I am, they will surely run. I’m not good enough to be loved by good people.
I’ve gone through seasons where I fight lies like that everyday, so you choosing to send me an encouraging text, hug me, or just spend time with me, keeps proving those lies wrong. The more I see the truth, the more I start to believe it. That love begins to drown out the negative spiral, moving it closer to being gone forever. With your help and love, my trauma becomes less of a burden.
None of that is to put pressure on you. I just want you to know that I'm thankful for you.
Also, you've probably noticed that sometimes I get triggered. Now, I’m not necessarily talking about the times I’ve been cranky, annoyed or irritated. I’m talking about the moments that spiral into panic attacks, the passing remark that has me arguing with you about the nature of our relationship. I’m talking about the time that we were just living our lives together when I was transported back in time to a really scary moment in my childhood that I started believing was happening in the present time, or the many times I have tried to convince myself that you, in fact, do not love me.
I need you to know that this isn’t your fault. Even if you said or did the thing that triggered the response, handling my emotional and mental responses is my responsibility. I know you don’t ever want to make me feel sad, angry, uncomfortable, or scared, but sometimes I don’t know what sets off the trip wire until it is actively happening. When I know what it is, I’ll do my best to communicate that. Sometimes it’s a sound. Sometimes a smell. A phrase. A feeling. Sometimes I don’t know what the trigger was. I am aware of some of them, but as I grow, I’m discovering more.
There’s a thought that’s been programmed into my brain that says that good things don’t happen for me. I’ve been spending the last several years unlearning those thoughts and correlated behaviors. I’m really trying, but even if something is good physically, mentally, and emotionally my brain has been programmed to instinctively push back.
I think that “push back” looks different for a lot of us. Sometimes I make myself emotionally unavailable. Sometimes I unintentionally create situations that make you feel like you should back away. Most of the time I can sense when fight, flight, freeze, or fawn wants to push to the forefront and compromise any decision I actually want to be making, but sometimes I just can’t catch it. That’s not your fault. That’s not your responsibility.
What’s happening is that my brain is detecting danger and trying to protect me. You are not a danger to me. I am not afraid of you as a person. I want to love you as best as I can. But sometimes, because of the trauma I have endured, my brain can misteak different signals as something that wants to harm me. If I grew up believing that people I love don’t care or that they want to harm me, when I do begin to try loving someone, or someone tries to love me, it’s easy for a primal part of my brain to treat that love as something I need to be protecting myself from. Even if your intentions are completely pure, loving, and good it may not matter. This isn’t your fault. This is how pain and fear have quite literally caused my brain to develop. I promise, I don’t want that to hurt the people I love. I promise because of that very fact, I am working on it. Everyday.
Please know that none of this is a reason or excuse to treat you unfairly or poorly either. You have permission to call me out when I’ve been dismissive or unkind, if I ever make you feel unloved. I just need you to know that I will need grace. I will need patients. I will need time. But I do not want those trauma responses to have a hold on my life that I can’t break. I will need your help working on that. I can’t do any of this alone.
Correcting the responses that may have hurt you, needs to happen in a way that doesn’t make me feel bad for what’s been done to me. Holding it against me doesn’t help it heal.
Also, please never assume it’s a trauma response. Sometimes my reactions are just human. That’s okay too. Communication saturated in love is what I really need. And honestly, I think all humans need that.
I know this can seem like an impossible place for you to be in. I don’t want you to feel that way either. And I guess the good and bad news is that I don’t know how to handle myself most days, so I have no expectation for you to get this right every time. We are learning that together. Having someone at my side while I learn these things is a blessing. I don’t take you for granted.
One of the best things you can do to support me is just listen. Some of the things that I say and process might not make any sense to you. Maybe it will make sense when explained, but some dots don’t connect. That’s okay. I just need you to listen. Saying it outloud and having a loved one reaffirm that I am not crazy helps me heal in ways that I desperately need.
Trauma can mean that I don’t let a lot of people in. Keeping people at a distance prevents more pain, more scars, more trauma. If I don’t love, I won’t get hurt as often. This means that if I have given you space in my heart, access to the things that I don’t share with other people, it’s a really big deal. It means that you and what you bring to my life add value and light beyond what I can explain. I love and adore you. I can’t thank you enough for still choosing to be on this journey with me.
If no one else has told you today, and especially if I haven’t done a great job of showing you or making it known to you lately,
You are truly and deeply loved.
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