I was in the 7th grade when I learned that the man who sexually assaulted me as a toddler would be getting out of prison. Something like 13 women came forward with stories similar to mine, and yet after about a decade and a probationary period, he walked away a free man, with a young woman ready to marry him.
My abuser has an active Facebook account. That Facebook account and life are still connected to some of my family. That abuser is not in prison anymore. He has a wife and little children. I think these are all valid reasons to be ridiculously enraged and disgusted, but the truth is, I’m just not.
It makes me a little uncomfortable, but I have a life to live, and that life is so much more free as I practice the messy art of forgiveness. Yep, I forgave him, and I still do. I remember exactly where I was standing when I felt that chain break off from around my heart for the first time, the first moment I ever chose forgiveness toward that particular individual.
Hear me out here, I didn’t and will not feel the need to out stretch my arms and invite him into my life. Forgiveness is for me. And chances are, I never even cross his mind in the first place. Why would I give him permission to take up space in my heart when I could choose to let that go?
Choosing not to forgive, means I would still be giving him control of an aspect of my life. Choosing forgiveness sees that he was also horrifically, sexually abused at a young age, so maybe there’s a tiny spec of sympathy. Choosing to forgive sets me free. He has to account for his actions one day. I refuse to let those actions be any part of what defines me. I am not my abuse. I am not my abuser. I am not the lasting scars he left.
You know who I am? A survivor. A sister. A daughter. A friend. I’m creative. I’m smart. I’m beautiful. When I actively choose forgiveness, these are the pieces of me that get the spotlight. These are the pieces I have more time and space to devote to.
None of this is to say that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. In fact, in order to really heal you have to feel every ugly, uncomfortable emotion associated with the hurt caused by others. Forgiving is different than forgetting. I’ll never forget what’s been done to me, but I can be free from its grip on my life.
I still hurt for that little girl that was taken advantage of, but I cannot properly express the weight that is lifted when I choose to forgive. It’s like the wounds finally have proper oxygen exposure and can actually begin to heal.
If you want practical steps on how to begin forgiving someone who hurt you, I’m afraid I don’t really have much for you. The truth is, it’s messy. No one’s steps are going to look the same as anyone else’s. Personally, this process did and still does require a whole lot of Jesus. It was through my learning and understanding of the forgiveness of God that my admiration and adoration for Him grew. The more time I spent enveloped in that, the more I let it seep into my heart, the easier it became to get rid of the yucky stuff.
None of it has been perfect. There are people I have to choose to forgive over again every day. There are seasons when holding onto the grudge is what I want to do, and I end up gripping that tighter than grace. I’m a human.
But I always find the most freedom in forgiveness. I find the truest version of myself there. I find the most joyful me there. I find the most compassionate and caring version of myself there.
Forgiveness is hard. It can be real ugly and uncomfortable. But I’d rather grow through discomfort and push myself than sit in, stir in, and become my pain.
If you need freedom today, if you’re ready to take a step toward forgiveness, I’m in your corner. There’s no pressure. You have to be ready. But I promise, there is a weightlessness waiting for you on the other side.
Trust me.
You are truly and deeply loved
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