The crowd is hushed, and as the spotlight hits me, I’m blinded and can only see the first few rows of eyes. Still I stride forward with confidence, belting out the first few notes of the ballade, deep in character. The music swells and lifts and every muscle in my body reacts to its emotional movement, really helping me sell this part. The music ends and we all bow to a standing ovation. Only there aren’t clapping hands or roses being thrown. In fact, I’m not surround by a cast, and I’m not on a Broadway stage.
Instead, I’m standing alone at age 13, in my attic bedroom where the ceiling is concave and it smells like fresh carpet. I stand in front of a keyboard I don’t know how to play, and while my iPod is docked to my flashy iHome, I squeak out the last note of what’s most likely a song from Les Mis or Phantom.
Broadway stardom was the dream for so long. I’ll never forget sitting in the middle section of the first balcony in a Kalamazoo theater watching the traveling Broadway company perform Wicked. Tears were bubbling up in my eyes for most of the first act because I was in such awe. By the time Elphaba was high in the sky, just before intermission, I was so covered in tears that everything on stage was just a mess of blurry blobs. I found a home and happy place in theater that day.
The real bummer being that my school was too poor to afford a drama department of any kind, and I had pretty intense social anxiety, so community theater never happened either. As I grew, I developed different interests and passions, and I learned that a life dedicated to a career on stage wasn’t my calling. It was a fun hobby, but I just wasn’t excited about the entertainment industry. Honestly, I don’t think I would have made it far. However, musical theater always remained a constant in my life, and every once in a while I still hear the whisper of, “What if you had…?”
I have zero regrets about the path I’ve chosen and where God has lead me, but I do wonder all the time if I really have done all that I can or needed to do. Maybe this sounds silly, but my birthday feels intimidating this year. I’m going to be 28, and being that close to thirty just has me questioning and contemplating so much.
There’s a part of me that wonders that if this is it, will that be enough? Is Mount Pleasant where I’m destined to stay? I used to travel all the time, and now I’m lucky if I get on a plane once every other year. Is God’s plan to have me at my current job for the next several decades? Most importantly, will I look back on my life in 30 more years and have accomplished all that I dreamed I would?
That spiraling has left me feeling a little down lately. I also recognize that I live in Michigan and I haven’t seen or felt the sun in several days, so that definitely isn’t helping anything. But I keep hearing Eliza Hamilton singing, “But when my time is up, have I done enough?”
Are there things I’m going to wish I did more of or actually took a step toward? Are there things I will wish I didn’t give so much time and attention? Thirty just feels like an impossible age for me, like I never really pictured myself getting this far, but it’s about to be here. What do I do with that?
I hope that doesn’t sound too dramatic, but I think it might be a trauma thing. To me, it’s still crazy that I’m alive and surviving some days. I just want to use the years I have the right way.
Right now, I’m doing my best to focus on what really matters, what will matter most in the next 30 years too. I think I can be proud of the way I’ve poured into my relationship with Jesus, and through that put a footprint on the community. I think what will matter in 30 years are the relationships I’m investing in now. I can’t wait to see how my love for my niece and nephew grows with time. I can’t wait for the memories I’m going to continue making with the friends and family that I hold closest. I’m already looking forward to all of the very human pieces of loving one another through the worst and best.
Sure, there’s more I want to do. There are goals I want to accomplish, and places I want to grow, things I want to learn. But I decided a long time ago, that chasing a chance to have my name known for music, or theater, or whatever else, is so less important than the quiet moments I spend singing Disney songs to my favorite tiny humans. I want to be famous to Freyja, so every time auntie Kaela walks in the door, I get a giant smile, big hug, and maybe a squeal. I want more quiet mornings snuggling the people I love. I dream of long, slow Saturdays where we just stay in Pjs all day. I want to create art, but not for anyone else’s enjoyment or pleasure. I just want to create what I want to create and help my niece stick too many googly eyes to foam monsters. I want to sip coffee in coffee shops and explore used book stores.
I guess that’s the dream then: a simple life. And at age 28, what I love most will be moments of peace, simplicity, and love. What I will love most and work for most will be the people around me. That’s just what matters, and regardless of any societal or self imposed pressure to be further ahead, I’m going to enjoy what I have while it’s here. I hope you will too.
You are truly and deeply loved.
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