The earliest memory I have is a bad one. I remember hearing once that experts say, your memories don’t actually develop based on what you’re seeing until you’re around three-years-old. Well, I was three when this memory happened to me. I remember where I was, what I felt, and what I was wearing. I remember all the details of the moment that I was sexually assaulted.
I don’t even know how to begin writing about this. I just know I need to. I’ve never written or spoken publicly about this in a way that’s accessible to anyone or anything but my own eyes, but I know that if God really has called me to share my story with others, this is part of it. I can’t deny that. This post is dedicated to owning my trauma, walking in the power I have over it, and claiming my story as one that belongs to me and not to any other human who did something to me.
Now the person who took advantage of my childhood innocence wasn’t a stranger or creeper off the street. The person who made me a victim of sexual violence was a close and dear family member. In fact, I know he has a Facebook. I know he walks around as a free man. I know he has a family of his own now. I know there is a chance his eyes could be scanning these words right now. I also know that by not sharing this piece of my story, I have allowed him to continue to have some grip of control over me.
The time for that has come to an end.
I am reclaiming my story as mine and God’s. My soul, my heart, my mind, my body, my calling, and my purpose belong to no one else.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence, I see you. There are resources out there, there are people that want to help you. Please reach out. We really can heal together.
Sexual violence is rampant in the United States. After just a quick google search, this is what I confirmed:
According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Insest National Network), an American is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds. That means, every minute you spend wishing you weren’t bored at work, at least one person in the country becomes victim of sexual violence. Another minute, another victim. Another minute another victim. Another minute, another victim.
The majority of sexual assault victims are under age 30, with the most at risk group being age 12-34. After an act of sexual violence, victims are more likely to develope suicidal or depressive thoughts, many experience PTSD, and victims are more likely to use drugs than the general public. Many survivors also say that their attacks have negatively impacted their relationships.
As someone who has experienced this type of trauma firsthand, I have personally been vulnerable to more than one of those statistics. There are emotional responses, physical reactions, and thought patterns that I still possess in my late 20s triggered from a moment in time nearly 23 years ago. I’ve experienced torn relationships based on a strain related to this specific trauma, some relationships with people that didn’t even come into my life until decades after I was victimized. Sexual violence leaves lasting scars that run deeper than I can authentically explain. And if you’re there, if you know what I am talking about, I am so truly sorry. It shouldn’t happen to anyone. I wish I could take it away.
But if we share this experience, then it’s a part of our story. It’s a part of our story we get the chance to keep healing from, we get to become stronger from, and we get to use to help other people feel less alone. Not being able to wash the memory away creates a fire inside of me to love and support anyone who has had a similar experience. I’m actively trying to harness and apply that. For me, sharing this part of me is the next step.
I hate that it happened to me. I hate that it continues to happen to others, especially children. Sometimes I get so angry for the tiny version of myself, and I think that I would do anything to jump back in time, burst through those doors, and rescue her from a life of constant recovery and reconciliation. I wish I could spare her the guilt. I wish I could rip up the confusion. I wish I could tear apart the shame. I wish I could burn the pictorial, emotional, and physical memory to a pile of ash later swept away in a forgotten wind.
So that’s the spirit of this. The past version of me, my 3-year-old self deserves to know that no matter what comes next, she has the ability to overcome. She has the ability to walk forward and not just heal, but to use what has happened to her as a way to love and connect with those in need. There are so many people like her. There are so many people that love her.
This is for her.
This is for us.
And this is for you.
If any part of you identifies, this is for you. Please hear me, I am not an expert. The best thing that my family and I ever did was make sure I stayed in therapy and I kept talking about it. The truth is, your brain doesn’t even fully develop until your twenties, so there are pieces of your trauma you won’t fully understand or feel the effects of until you get to that age. That’s why it is so crucial to be talking to a professional.
That’s why it is so important for a child to be talking to a professional if you see any of their stories in mine, even if there is the slightest possibility of an accusation. Kids don’t just come up with explicit sexual details. That’s learned.
Reach out. Resources exist for you. They exist for your littles. They exist for your teen. They exist for your friend.
A really near and dear friend of mine recently shared this thought with me: Someone’s inability to recognize your worth doesn’t deplete or diminish your value. Their failure to treat you as the precious gift from God that you are does not take away from that truth.
I’m writing this all for myself just as much as I am writing it to you, dear reader.
You are a beautiful gift, more precious than anything I could attempt to compare you to. Your presence on this Earth is a true miracle. You fought to be right here, and you are seen. Now it’s time to own that, take the power back. Be exactly who you are: beautiful, purposeful, precious, wonderful, brilliant, powerful, you. No abuser or broken person can take that away. Nothing that has been done to you can take away from just how insanely valuable and amazing you are.
Go talk to someone. Share your story. Healing begins when our wounds are brought out of the shadows. Recovery can’t happen in the dark, so please step out into a space where you can be known. Share your truth with a trustworthy adult. Not necessarily someone who others have said you should trust, but someone you actually trust with your safety. If there’s no adult that comes to your mind, let me listen. Let’s step forward together.
I want to say so much more, but for now, just putting this out there and owning it as mine is enough. This is my story. This is God’s story.
This is for us.
Together we heal. Together we rise. Together we create space for others to do the same.
You are so strong. You are so deeply loved.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share such beautiful encouragement! You are such a beautiful light in my life and the world! Proud to call you sister too!
I am so very proud of you for taking this stand, for having the bravery to share your story. My heart aches for the little girl you were, the evil That was done to you, that it was done by someone so close to you, and the unfairness that the person who did it didnt get the punishment he deserved. But my heart rejoices in the woman you have become and I am so glad to have you as a sister in Christ. Always keep fighting back the darkness by standing in the light.